I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
