somebody snuck up and got me drunk
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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