The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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