ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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