I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
it glows. i had to have it.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
