There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
