Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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