Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
