the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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