I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
