My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
