party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
