im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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