They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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