what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
