I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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