my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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