Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
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