So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
