Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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