what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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