Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize