I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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