i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
