You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Randomize