do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
