party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
