They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
