I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
