i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
