I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
