wrigley field is MILF paradise
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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