Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
