I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
