There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
