he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
