If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize