I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
