I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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