ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
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