You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
