I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
We left an ass print on the piano.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
