i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
