if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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