if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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