Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
