then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
you didnt know i had herpes?
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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