i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize