I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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