Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
