Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
