I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
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