His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
