My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
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