This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
