Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
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