Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize