I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
