there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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