Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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