K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
