When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
