my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
