I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
