bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
