Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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