Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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